Question of the Month

Success Coaching - April 2008

Question: J, I am 32 years old with a serious problem. I have been in 8 relationships with women, two of those I married. The problem is that all of my relationships have ended with the women cheating on me with other men. Is it something that I am doing wrong? Are all women cheaters? I am lost for answers. Please help.

- Alan P., Cairns, Australia

Answer: Hello Alan,
OK. Alan, but since I don’t really know you, I have to shoot from the hip. I am first going to assume that you are not a jerk. That is a sure reason for your issues if you are.

Alan, I commend you for at least trying to understand the things that don’t go your way as opposed to continuing on in the same manner but expecting different results. I would venture to say that whenever you are involved in a relationship that doesn’t go well; you should take some of the blame even if it’s simply your taste in women.

After saying that, this could be the reason. Do you date the same types of women? Really examine that. You could be attracted to or are attracting to you women that you simply cannot trust. I know that this seems a bit esoteric, but we do get what we deserve in terms of consciously or unconsciously having people in our lives that cause us pain. Ask yourself this and be honest: Do you feel that you deserve a good woman in your life that will love you and be faithful to you?

Knowing your self is the first step to getting to know someone else. You see, if you don’t spend the time upfront understanding what makes you tick then you will attract to you people that will provide a mirror for you to take a long hard look at yourself. If you don’t get the lesson then you are destined to repeat the process, and you are. You are the only constant in this you vs. the women equation.

I am not going to say that all women are cheaters no more than you can say that all men are. The women in your life lack the ability to honor their word. Oftentimes, there exists this unspoken need, want, or desire that women have that men are not fulfilling. It depends upon what that woman is missing that will determine what she will do to get it.

I am hoping that you are asking this question so that you can grow from your relationships as opposed to learning how to score. Here’s what you should do.

  1. Invite each woman from your past out for lunch or set up an hour for a serious conversation
  2. Explain that you are in need of becoming a better person and would like some feedback as to what went wrong in the relationship.
  3. Keep in mind that you are on a fact finding mission and stay focused.
  4. Ask what was the reason they sought intimacy outside of your relationship?
  5. Be in the moment and really listen to what’s being said. Verify what you heard or understood her to say.
  6. Keep good notes, pick up the tab if you’re out, and thank her for her time.
  7. Decide whether the information is valid (how many women said the same thing about you).
  8. If it’s something that you can work on, do it. If not, then understand that it may be a problem for you in future relationships.
  9. Know that there is someone out there for you. You just need to get yourself together and be prepared when they show up. Trust me, they will.

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